Setting boundaries has been a term that I have heard floating around in cheesy high school love stories. It was one of those things that I always heard about but never knew what it actually meant, or how to implement it. In recent years, I saw the concept of setting boundaries pop up a lot more, and it has been a godsend. It is the behavioral tool that I never knew that I needed until now.
Setting boundaries is basically your own personal set of rules that you create for safe, healthy interactions with others. It allows you to tell the groups of people that we sometimes struggle with like friends, family, and co-workers what actions we like and don’t like, in a polite way.
In my personal opinion, being female and setting boundaries can be tough sometimes. We often get labeled as “bossy” or “a bitch” for speaking up. Telling an old man that his repeated remarks make you uncomfortable? How rude! He’s just old and lonely. Saying you don’t want to hear your parents vent about each other’s problems when you visit? How could you do that? They gave birth to you!
I have faced situations like this time and time again throughout my life and I thought I simply had to bite my tongue and continue to let these things happen because this is just “how life is”. Well, I am here to tell you that this is NOT how life is. Humans are very emotional and complex creatures. It’s not your job to identify why someone acts the way that they do, but just know that everyone’s actions are a result of what is or was going on in their life at some point in time.
You Can’t Control How Others Act–But You Can Guide Them
The things that happen to us shape us into who we are. Of course, we have some control over this. There is that age-old saying of: “It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it.”
I believe in this saying to some extent, but keep in mind, even a person’s best at the time of something happening to them may not have been enough to react in the right way. That person may not have had the knowledge, support or tools to react to the situation in a healthy way. They simply didn’t know any better.
This is where the boundary setting comes in. Boundary setting can be done in a direct, yet polite way. You get your point across about where that person needs to draw the line and it can actually, in the long run, condition them to realize their actions may not have been in their best interest. Setting boundaries isn’t something that usually sticks the first time, either. It should be nurtured carefully and gradually over time. Then, the habits are formed.
Enjoying this post? Check out my podcast episode on boundaries!
So where do you even start with setting boundaries? I am going to give you basic steps to take to get you started:
Discover What Your Boundaries Are
Take some time to sit down and think about your relationships with those close to you. Are there any interactions that make you uncomfortable? Do they cross the line? Does an interaction leave you feeling guilty or resentful when you know it shouldn’t? It could be something as simple as someone messaging you too much. Write the unfavorable interactions down for each person. Discover your personal values and boundaries. This will make it easier to set them when you can recognize them almost instantly.
Start Small and Give Yourself Permission
When setting boundaries start with something simple. Something that won’t be considered threatening to you. Once you get comfortable and confident, you can build up from there. Also, be sure to give yourself permission to feel the negative feelings that come from a lack of boundary setting. Many people will do anything for those close to us and for our jobs, and not give it a second thought as if it is healthy or not. If you are feeling negative emotions or worn down, it’s time to take a look at things and assess your boundaries.
Practice Self-Care
I know self-care has been quite a trend over the past few years, but taking some quality time to focus on you really helps. It allows you to be more in tune with your body and get to know yourself better. You can’t pour from an empty cup, so be sure that your body is getting the love that it needs.
That concludes my basic tips for you to help with your journey on setting boundaries. I hope that this allows you to asses your relationships and interactions with others, and learn to put your health as a number one priority. Anything that makes you uncomfortable or guilty needs to be put out into the world. You need to be heard. Your relationships will become deeper and stronger through boundary setting, and it will make your life much more enjoyable.
